There's a Monster in the Bathroom

Beware! It will come for you. If you dare to open the door, you must do so prepared. Failure to arm yourself with Purell and tissues will lead to danger and despair. Brace yourself, hold your breath, and enter at your own risk.

A brief encounter with the enemy in the building where we have classes.

It's already been two weeks since I arrived in China and I feel like I've already adjusted to some of the aspects of life that differ from home. I'm used to the crowds, the spitting on the side of the roads, the wild, ruthless, and honking drivers, the screaming waiters in restaurants, etc... However, I still shudder whenever I know that I need to enter at restroom. Our dorms--equipped with western-style toilets--have become a sort of savior, an oasis in the desert of squat toilets. But almost anywhere else I go, I am bound to find a squat toilet. Though they all have slight differences, the striking similarities are what makes them so unbearable to me.

WARNING: This is not for the faint of heart:

The usual protocol for the bathroom stalls is that you open the door, climb up one or two steps, and plant your feet firmly (FIRMLY) on either side of the repulsive hole below you. As you assume this position, be aware of the ground and any questionable things that may (read: WILL) be on it. Do whatever needs to be done and then pull out your tissues. If you forgot to BYOTP, too bad. There's none in the stall, or if there is, it's probably sitting on the floor. Lovely.

If you were well-prepared, you can dispose of your toilet paper in the waste bin in the back corner of the stall.

What, not in the toilet?

No. In the waste bin. So it can sit with other disgusting, used pieces of toilet paper and create a wondrous smell that wafts through the stall and mingles with other smells to create a fragrant bathroom experience.

But you manage to toss your paper safely into the bin and you may now exit the stall, safely climbing your way back down the steps, out to the sink to wash your hands.

WAIT. How can I wash my hands if there is no soap?

Well, there might be a soap dispenser, in which case it will obviously be empty. Otherwise, you're on your own. Either rinse with the water (but remember to zhuyi nide weisheng because this is Chinese tap water) or pull out that trusty, pocket-sized bottle of Purell and scrub as you step outside into the real world.

Congratulations! You survived! Take a deep breath of the clean air. Or even smoggy Beijing air will do. Pat yourself on the back (unless you just rinsed with Chinese water, in which case find some soap or hand sanitizer ASAP).

My friends, constant companions, and co-combatants.

I'm not sure if I will ever quite adjust to these toilets, or rather, the experience of going to the bathroom here. But in the mean time, no matter where I go this summer, I am ready with my pocket pack of Kleenex and my Purell.

Consider this a formal declaration of war against squat toilets everywhere.